I don't know what to write coherently about this. I went racing tonight.
And I am so happy that I am crying. Why am I crying, and who is crying? What's this about? I don't know.
All my questions - what is it about this? Why have I missed it? Do I really love it? Will it grow old once it becomes routine? - don't have answers, they're answers I'll have to live my way to. Which is fine.
Why did I go down there? I was skating home but just had to go by the harbor - why? My heart sunk when Rainbow's End wasn't on her can and there didn't seem to be any boats on the wall... but there she was. I stopped, watching; the owner looked up, saw me, told me to get down there and get aboard. So I did. And just like that, in my work clothes... I was working aboard a racing sailboat again.
And there was nothing special about it, it was just another race. Rainbow's End... I am intimately familiar with her. Two years passed are as nothing. I noticed every changed detail, some of the deck hardware that had been replaced. Same sheets. I remembered how to run the middle, but at the same time, I did't remember a blasted thing... but I still knew what I needed to.
Oddest yet... the boat owner loves me. Still does, I mean, always has. (I still don't get why he let anybody bully him into asking me to leave... oh well.) If I want to race, if not on his boat, he'll get me on a boat Wednesday nights. That means a lot.
The door's open. What do I want? I've been longing to race, why? It was just an ordinary race, didn't feel anything special at all, didn't feel particularly at home, even, with the group, though they were fun in their way; my attention was on boat performance... always has been. (Well, that's part of why.) But now, right now, I'm happy, why? And what do I want to do? Is it the Tartan Tens? Maybe a Rhodes 19? Would I be happier playing on a Laser? (But that's why I paddle?) What do I really want? Do I want to race? What is it about sailing? Is it sailing at all?
Next Wednesday night... I'll go back. Don't know why... but I want to.
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3 comments:
Sounds exhilerating and alive!
Showing up at the right place at the right time for a race with yourself...
...do it again.
if you love it, does it matter why?
I don't know... I showed up tonight and couldn't find a ride. Was disappointed to tears. Angry that I couldn't be on Rainbow's End. Confused and angry that I care at all. But there's something about it...
Sigh.
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