i've been going through life feeling, more or less constantly - this isn't quite right.
not from a right and wrong standpoint. just that it's all slightly off. i'd forgotten until a couple weeks ago when i was frustrated with a design problem; i wasn't quite satisfied with the solution. i'm horribly critical of my own (and others') design work; if something doesn't feel quite right, i know it. sometimes the solution isn't clear, but the discord is.
such is my life, i've realized. this is close, but it's not quite it. what'll solve it? change of the apparent? change of perspective?
i've been uneasy for months now; stuck on saturday. is the solution just to get used to it and be okay with it, or is there more? what is the subtle shift? and where? and yet i can look out the window and see the city's north side in its masonry splendor; green of canopies just as prevalent, lake over there beyond the park, and have no quarrel with it: instead i'm content just to observe, to take in the vast complexity, and it's perfect just as it is.
see, there it is again.
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6 comments:
At least you're stuck on Saturday and not Monday (see how far you've come)?
Maybe "not quite it" is it perfectly and we need to catch up(of course I don't know what's missing)?
Peaks & valleys, peaks & valleys-
I always think taking a vacation and just thinking will help me figure it out, but it never does. It seems I get more figured out when I'm busy with other things than when I have all the time in the world to think about the question at hand.
Maybe we just need to understand that "not quite it" is the way life is supposed to feel?
Julie:
I hear you--to the extent that it was like reading my own thoughts in places. And of course this means I have no answers to the questions you pose, but, like you, I find myself here.
confusion about ones' own meaning is normal, nothing to run from, no matter what, you will always have that, unless...but that is not now.
I know the feeling, sometimes it is a 'sign' and you must heed it and 'wait', but carry on meantime.
Well written post, very sharp, very 'holding'. I felt 'there'.
There is equanimity when you don't mind the unpleasant. It means willingness to lose your biggest dream if you can't prevent it. This is true enlightenment.
When you don't mind not achieving anything inspite of all your efforts and sacrifices.
Isaiah, no, it's always Saturday, see? I really wonder if the oscillation is necessary. Crests and troughs, crests and troughs...
Zach, I don't think it is, though.
Andrew, thank you.
Peishan, I guess I'm a bit surprised you're reading him. (May I borrow when you're done?) Interesting quote - do you think it's true?
Imemine, had a big discussion about this last night. Accepting unpleasant experiences. That old thing about knowing the difference between what can be changed and what cannot. In the end I do think the effort is worth more than the result; the hard-fought loss is much more satisfing than the easy win. The experience, not the outcome.
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