reflections

I've been beset by a general sense of helplessness over the last months; wanting to change or help the world, but unable to come up with anything resembling tenable. Not to mention being uncertain of what might be done, what with not having adequate perspective. Over at his blog, Larry reflects on greed and wonders if he's the only Quaker concerned about it. Personally, I think it's pretty intelligent to be concerned with what's often a cause rather than being concerned about the manifestation.

Wanting what one doesn't have keeps one from enjoying what one does have. Unfortunately, that seems to typify American society. I'm not sure what's to be done besides what I can do - enjoy my own life rather than looking outside of it for something more.

My longstanding experiment had been to do or intend as little as possible, so as not to color the results of the experiment... trying to figure out what's going on here.

Well, I still don't know. But it doesn't seem to matter what I do, or don't do - in the long run, everything will work itself out, even immediate general stupidity (which I don't intend, of course) but getting out of the rut of inaction is proving to be fairly difficult, because I keep finding myself thinking that everything matters in some terrible unknowable way, that at any moment I might set off some cataclysmic chain of events and be Quite Sorry. I suppose the counter-argument would be that at any moment I am failing to stop said.

Overthinking does tend to stop one from living, doesn't it? The other big questions, why? and what matters? are equally impenetrable: because! and, whatever I like! Hardly illuminating, and either liberating or paralyzing.

We watched American Beauty last night.

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much; my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

In any event, I'm feeling rather mellow and content and happy this morning.