About my art... it's not pretty in the conventional sense, but I believe in it, and the people who like it are often those whose work I respect anyhow. But it's not glossy jumping off the page like others' work, and that can get me a little insecure. Is it art or craft, anyway? That debate rages. I guess it depends upon one's definition of each. Some say that craft is something that's used, functional. I don't know. By the way, I fired a kiln for 22 hours on Sunday (and Monday morning). The results came out last night. Gorgeous. I'm proud, and it feels good that the guy who's been teaching me to fire the kilns is proud of me too. (Expect a design-realized update soon!)
About my social scenes... a frustrated and angry email somehow got into the hands of the person it was written about, who I used to be really tight with. She's intelligent and fun to hang out with, though, so the accidental wedge is a pain.
More attachment... meanwhile at the ceramics studio, the aforementioned firing guy is leaving Lillstreet after a year, and I didn't realize until tonight that the tear would leave a hole. It's like a death. Another guy's taking a year off from teaching, but he'll still be round and about. Both, great energy, great encouragement, pushing me to keep improving and experimenting, so I'll miss their presence.
About family... the stuff in this blog appears to part drastically from the Catholic faith (in which I was raised and in which I've been expected to remain). Now that my sister's on Facebook, how long 'till my blog's uncovered? I've changed my religious preferences on there like eight times, wanting to be both obscure and true to myself. ANXIETY. No matter how much they love me, they may never understand, never approve of, never accept, well, me, inasmuch as my perspective is integral to myself. That's not an easy thing.
About my job... I got a raise, but such mixed feedback that I still don't know if I'm doing all right. They say I'm doing well, but point out areas of inexperience in odd ways. Duh, I haven't done everything yet. And a cryptic comment about more committment (in terms of time) by a person who wasn't in the room when one of the owners said they are pleased with my level of committment... but the same person also said that I was working enough and that I was pitching in extra for deadlines as need be and doing fine. So I'm fine but they want more? Afterward, my questions to clarify the time committment indicated that fulltime with extra at deadlines as needed is fine. Which is what I've been doing. At this point I just don't care anymore. My free time won't be bought, I'll give it away (I am paid, but the money isn't nearly enough compensation) when I choose to, out of some sense of loyalty. The would-be-pleasant news of a raise is beyond negated by the confusion over what's expected of me. More anxiety.
And just to assure us all that things don't make people happy, I bought some pieces tonight that I liked, that have intrigued me, &c. They are nice to have around, and wonderful distractions, but the hole is still there.
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10 comments:
On the precipice afraid to jump and lose a bit more of the self? Your family loves you and will keep on loving you no matter what. Aren't there mothers with sons on Death Row who still love their sons in spite of the monstrous things the sons may have done? So why are you anxious to be outed because your experiences and perceptions tell you that your former religious faith isn't true to you? You haven't left the church and become a backslider like me. You are evolving or constructing a truer faith for yourself. You just question a lot of the silly crap that makes no sense and yet, people still believe it any way because they can't live with a different ever changing, flowing river of reality. They find comfort and security in their belief system. It's their invisible security blanket. You just grew up and left yours behind when you had no use for it.
You are you. You can't help that, and at the end of the day, you have to live with you - not your family, not your coworkers, only someone you wish to share your life with, if that, and the cat. And, the cat doesn't care what you think. He just cares when you forget to fill his water bowl, his food dish or empty the cat litter box, or don't pay him the attention he's due right at this moment.
As for the friendship, friendships come and go. People come and go in your life.They touch you deeply in some way and then they are gone. The ones you really care about and who care about you will keep in touch at some level. If this woman is a friend, then this incident will pass. If the friendship is destroyed, then she wasn't really your friend in the meaning of the word. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, it still does, but at least you know how they really feel about you as a person.
And work? Don't try to make sense of the BS. That's just managers expressing their expectations about you. You'll find that there are few good managers. Management is where the money is, but often what happens is that the company or firm loses a good worker and gains an incompetent manager. It's the Peter Principle at work. The real leaders are doing things that make everyone else think that they did it for themselves as Lao Tzu says. And they may not necessarily be managers. Welcome to being a human being whatever that is. :)
metta to you.
Among the hardest experiences of my life has been causing pain to those I loved by disclosing the distance between their faith and my own path.
YOU didn't cause that pain, greenfrog. The loved ones you confided in generated their own pain because you didn't meet their expectations of who they thought you were. No one can help what other people think. If you show them love, understanding and compassion, perhaps they will reciprocate, and there will be some sort of reconciling. If not, then it's not a problem either. Did not Jesus point out that prophets are not welcome in their own home towns. They are not the same people they were then. No one is. Yet, people don't expect other people to grow and change, or they do, but the new person isn't who they expected ( a supposedly common marriage complaint).
jbmoore,
Thanks for the kindness. I think the term Thich Nhat Hahn coined -- "interbeing" -- captures the sense rightly. My actions are not independent of their effects on my beloveds, nor am I independent of their perceptions and suffering.
That said, I concluded the same point I understand you to be making -- honesty and candor, when they can be lovingly conveyed, are better than silence and continued delusion.
I honor julie for facing the dilemma of satya and ahimsa openly.
Oh goodness.
John, I've seen how they talk about my aunt, who's also found her own way. Can't say as I'd look forward to the same thing.
Greenfrog, thank you and thank you again.
You don't know that the same would happen to you as your Aunt, Jules. Besides, trying to be someone you are not will just make you miserable. If your family really loves you, then they will understand. What is the saying, "you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends." My friends are more family to me than my real family at times. Take comfort in Jesus's quote about his disciples being his brothers and sisters when his family came to take him back.Jesus had family troubles, too. People overlook his humanity and only see his divinity, but he was first and foremost a human being. But I understand. I feel as if I am a stranger to my family in many ways. That doesn't stop me from loving them, but I'm getting anxious about seeing them this Christmas. Maybe it's just the long road trip. Merry Christmas! May you have much joy and many blessings. Julie.
Take responsibility for your own growth and happiness.
Hi, Julie,
I'm responding to this one in an email. Hang in there. You are loved.
Hi J-
Just writing to say I read and not much to add.
I would say that I am jealous that you have so much time with the pottery--- something I would like to pursue. Love well crafted works of art and use them as functional pieces in the kitchen (so does my mom-in-law who collects the stuff and turns me on to the same.)
Hey- "you can pick your friends, not your family," It works both ways. Be kind to the you you are. You are, all is quite OK as it is.
Rest here for a spell :)
Happy holidays! Keep moving on.
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