Idealism, Unhappiness, Indecision.

Despite removing the description from my blog some number of months ago, I find that I'm still an idealist. Sure, I can give up on it, but for me there's something not right about giving in anything shy of the best it can be. I make lasting contributions to the world; the best is the only way to go.

I'm not incredibly happy with life as it is, and I pretty much know what I'd be giving up to chase something else. But I haven't the slightest idea where that gamble would lead. So in this scenario I leave architecture to go for grad school. Well, the grad school life would likely rock. Architecture school was great, after all. But what after that? No clue. Whole life in an upset.

Compared to the current life including a lot of known factors. It's a huge gamble. I need a change in life; maybe I'm not convinced that a total upset is the answer. Quite a few people I know are going that route lately, or thinking about it. Another has realized she's not particularly happy with her career, though sometimes it's adequately engaging, and hasn't decided what to do about it. And another of my friends is about to move back to Singapore after almost ten years in Chicago and the States. Who knows if it'll go well; maybe the grass is greener, maybe not. What's a girl to do?

Answer

What we are looking for is what is looking.
- St. Francis of Assisi

That which you are seeking is causing you to seek.
- Cheri Huber

These Peace Quotes from earlier in the week remind me of comments by Matt Long in the master class I took the-week-before-last. He said that when we asked a question, when we found the answer we'd find that the answer was in asking of the question, that the question is the answer. St. Francis' words also remind me of Adyashanti.

The master class was wonderful. Getting up in the morning and working in clay all day was wonderful. I began some really good work, garnered serious praise from Matt, enjoyed and cared about what I was making. It's kind of hard to hang on to all that, or even remember what happened, after being plunged back into everyday work, where my best, most energetic, and most productive hours are taken by architecture, can't be preserved for clay, where I'd really like to use them.

Off the mountaintop and back into the valley, I guess. But I can't help but notice that I was happier that week than in the surrounding ones.

Afternoon Thoughts

There's a remarkable sense of otherness, lately, about even the most familiar people.

I know I know you, yet every time we interact, it's as though for the first time. I recognize familiar habits, coughing to clear your throat, a face you always make. And yet you are as a stranger. And then the spell breaks and it's you and I again, playing out one of our usual interactions, actors in a familiar scene. But is it really us? I wonder if I'm losing my mind. This should be more familiar.