Tired

I started this post on the 7th of September... 2007. A year and a month and a week later, and I'm still tired. This should tell me that something's not right... but I'm not so tired, not nearly so tired. It's shifted only in the last couple of weeks. The problem isn't the job, though; it's my approach, it's how much I love and how much I care. Which is also why I'm so good. But I reached a point on my most emotionally taxing project where I let go of it. I just let go, because I couldn't save it, it's far too late, and I am worth more than that beautiful building. Fuck. Since that time, two of the senior staff have left the firm, two of the young'uns have left the firm, and we've picked up two new young'uns. Dear Ben. His insight has been invaluable, and he's one of the ones that left.

And now his mantle's on my shoulders, as project manager. And I am; the reality became startlingly clear today. The owners are billing out on my projects in the amounts I tell them to. I am the PM.

Well, I started this post on the 7th, and now I'll wrap it up, though it won't really be finished.

The burning question is, "why am I so tired?" Finally took the chance of declaring my ongoing exhaustion to half the office (the half that was there) - 1 of 2 owners, 1 of 3 senior staff, all us young'uns (3, self included). Everyone was sympathetic, having run into the same thing, sometimes constantly. Kind of a funny comment to end the birthday cake gathering, but, whatever.

The problem? Architecture is a mentally taxing profession! Part of it is that the way we work is often unsuited to the task at hand. We need time alone to concentrate on tasks, and are besieged by phone calls. "The design problems cannot be solved between phone calls," Ben aptly put it at a staff meeting some weeks ago. That's part of the problem.

Another part of the problem is that thoughtfulness isn't much demanded. I want my job description to be "architectural design" as opposed to "architectural services".

Obviously the solution is to vie for more satisfying work assignments, and less time in the office to allow more time for the things that I do love. We'll see how that pans out.