Sifting through and pouring out, a retrospective.

It has seemed that every time I start a journal entry, that something else happens that makes the first one irrelevant... not that it doesn't matter, but now, that was then, and then... isn't so important as now. Still, the things are woven, is important. Things have been moving more and more quickly, and I'm finding myself more and more able to keep up.

This writing is divided into four parts; a summary, a narrative, some things I have learned, and some things I've now seen clearly.

Sifting: a Summary of movements:

In the last couple of weeks I have been percieving many things. Some perceptions I can identify, at other times I don't know what I am seeing.

At first, it was just kindred spirits, people on a similar spiritual path. But now, I am seeing more. It seems I sometimes get a sense of the degree of someone's centeredness. But I also suspect that one of the things I'm seeing is the Divine spark in others. If I could distinguish clearly, I suspect it's more of a spectrum of degrees than a matter of dividing lines. The fact remains that the breadth of my perception has grown quite a bit. Also, I can't quite tell what I am percieving, and thus cannot really act with full knowledge (and thus am more cautious than I might otherwise be).

Jesus challenges us to love God with our whole selves, and our neighbor as ourself. It seems to me that if one can percieve the Divine spark, that it's near impossible not to love. Perhaps that's what God sees when he looks at us; not what is but what can, could, will be.

My internal perception has sharpened as well. Another sign of growth is in my climbing; climbing when centered is easy. The body has its limits, but the game is truly won and lost in the mind. At one point in a climb I realized how easy it was. At another point, felt my mind begin to slide, called myself back to quietness, finished the climb. Awareness has been with me for quite awhile now, but at times it seemed like I was just along for the ride, unable to stop the slide. So probably my awareness is growing as I am having less attachment to events.

In terms of both the external and internal awareness, it's like learning sailing. One starts to learn what things feel like, and start to rely less on instruments that measure what they are. The easiest thing to learn is the difference between balanced and imbalanced, and degrees of imbalance. Then one starts to understand how to correct imbalance... then one starts to see when the balance starts to swing, so instead of a hard turn, a soft nudge will do. Beyond that... even less action is required to counteract a balance that is *about* to change. I've had my moments of clarity, but for the most part, I'm feeling my way through and getting feedback as I go.

Pouring: Narrative of events, sort of... and by no means complete

A couple of very challenging days, two weeks ago, where I let others' unkindness throw me, and unexpected disappointments only added weight. It was difficult not knowing how I might manage the next hour without giving out. I happened upon a beautiful sight and a kind person. No occurence is an accident, but I recognise that these gave me something more concrete to cling to.

So I survived; but am hardly content to get by. It was either, see how deep the reserve is (it was feeling like the low-gas light had been on for a couple days) or figure out how to run directly off generator power. Yeah, because I could just figure that out by brain power! (Many times it is good to be very intelligent; however, intelligence has its limits.)

This is where I talk more about perceptions... because after these couple of days, I have had a lot of experiences with people...

Saturday evening, I went climbing with a friend, and we had a very long conversation over dinner afterward. At the climbing gym, I met someone who felt very, very familiar, yet whom I had never seen before. I couldn't help but look at him, but evidently neither could he. We shared a number of long looks before I volunteered that he looked familiar; he later said that I looked familiar to him as well. This is one place where I'm uncertain of what I was perceiving.

My friend claims to be an atheist, but at dinner asked me a few questions that gave me a chance to talk in some very general yet very direct terms, how I view "spirituality" differently than "religion", how I find Catholic practices useful in my own life. And then more general things, like suggesting that there's more to "reality" than what we tend to see, but that we could learn to percieve it. She made the connection that what I was talking about sounds like the Matrix... thank God... I am acutely aware of having difficulty expressing myself with these things. And some specific examples that she could identify with; the guy at the gym, the experience of slacklining when it feels right. I am also content to agree with her that science cannot yet measure these phenomena. On the drive back to the city, she commented on enjoying long road trips; being able to think about things, not think about things, just be. I told her that she knows more than she might think. She, too, has something...

My parents went to a talk on meditation, at church. Dad went to most of the series throughout the week, Mom only to the first one. My mother worries that if you "empty your mind" that Satan will get in. People used to worry that if they didn't cover their mouth when yawning or sneezing, that they'd have the same problem. But when I talk about things in terms of getting a feeling, or having intuition, it's not so foreign. I have told my father that I have been practicing meditation for some time. He enjoyed the talks, enjoyed the techniques that were taught. The reason I don't discuss my spiritual life with my parents is that I don't percieve them as having the capacity to understand, but maybe they can understand parts.

My sister has the same reservations. I can easily see how a different sort of prayer life would benefit my father and mother, and hope to be able to help them. They are both burdened by the cares of the world. My father asks "how" in terms of meditation, centering prayer, contemplation... the distinctions have never much mattered to me, and at this point... it's just something I do. Sometimes I use one practice or another to help quiet myself, but that's generally during the day. Also, I would welcome being able to share more of my life with them, and think my sister might as well. Even now, she and I are taking only very tentative steps; she tends toward apologia and I tend away from it; somehow, though, we manage to communicate.

Another person, a potter, an aquaintance only. Don't know what his beliefs are, sort of don't care; he exhudes joy. (This is the source of the game I mention below.) I spent some time with him, each working on our own projects; it was, quite simply, good to be near him.

Another person, a ceramic artist too. Again, only an aquaintance; we were working in the same room, on our own projects, not talking much. But I get a sense of centeredness from him. While I was musing, wondering what i might percieve, it turns out that he practices Aikido. That would explain it... but we spent some more time on another day, again, working together; again, it was good to be there.

I do wish I could better distinguish what I percieve...

Things I have learned.

Forgetfulness seems to be the first sin. Forgetfulness is death. We walk by faith, we move by touch. To forget is to bind our own hands.

A survival trick: remember what is real; don't believe perception because it is there. To name the lie is to deny its power.

It is very hard to love my coworkers, though that is what I must do.

It is far better to be laughing at how ridiculous things can be, than to be angry. Rather than letting my ill-mannered coworkers throw me off center, I can do this creative exercise. Where a friend used to work, they would play a game, "Tell us a story". And someone would tell a story, in the form of a fairy tale, a story from real life at the office, casting real people as princesses, dragons, trolls, knights, and such. I've no-one to tell stories to, but can write my own.

The best thing I can do is to know, to become, to be, the Spirit of Christ.


Things I have recieved. It seems like the things that stick, that aren't immediately understood, are the important things. Like some of Jesus' more mysterious words in the Gospels.

"Where you gonna run, salvation is here..."
Switchfoot, "Dare you to move"

"I'm not copping out, when you're raising the dead in me!"
Switchfoot, don't remember the title

"I called through your door,
"The mystics are gathering in the street. Come out!"
"Leave me alone. I'm sick."
"I don't care if you're dead! Jesus is here, and he wants to resurrect somebody!""
Rumi

"And I pray when I look in your eyes you stare right back down into something beautiful"
Jars of Clay, "Something Beautiful"