I've realized that I've been trying to feel a certain way (detached) because I think I want to, or ought to, or something, rather than realizing what I am feeling (stuff!) and allowing that experience to be.
The summer seemed to be blissful and well, but now I suspect it was because I cared for nothing deeply. Perhaps detachment has its downside, the lack of wildness.
So, now, in choosing to care about a few things, while trying to let others go, I'm trying to find what it is to live - the blissful sort of contentment typically associated with enlightenment (making no claims for myself) has gotten old - steady can be reassuring or boring.
It's worth acknowledging that the I-don't-care attitude helped. It gave me the freedom to be myself, without fear for what anybody might think about me. Let me be more honest with others, but more importantly, with myself (read: vastly more accepting of myself now than then). And facing the chance of rejection (which I didn't care about, remember) head-on let me realize that rejection isn't so bad, and that rejection says more about the rejector than the rejectee.
A close friend is wandering a loosely parallel path - finding that being a little more compulsive or a little less, erm, complacent? feels more like living.
That said, I feel as though a chapter ended weeks ago, and only now I turn the page. Onward with the grand experiment, life.
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11 comments:
Julie - it does appear that our spiritual ancestors and peers present two seemingly different life paths:
1.) Detached, unswayed by anything, calm and centered.
2.) Fully feeling and deeply and mindfully experiencing all the dualities and range of possible emtions and experiences.
Perhaps they are not mutually exclusive, but sometimes they damn sure feel like it. Often I find myself between the two, and not doing either because I'm too busy thinking or deciding which way to go.
Onward with the experiment...the PRACTICE... the PLAY.
You're doing fine. Life is fine.
I never rejected you, good luck.
"The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You can spend your entire life looking for it and it would not be a wasted life."
Life is the most unfortunate experiment we have to deal with, but then again, the most blissful we have. It's the story of the blade with two sides. One side tells you that whatever you face, you will know how to deal with it. The other one is more like: you have the experience, now show me what you've learned of it. I've talked to Donna (http://www.woodka.com) and I've stated that the past should learn us something but cannot be used as some reference to whatever we decide to do next. It's my proper right to choose the incorrect answer again! Who are others to condamn me about this?
Well, I don't want to end my post with a question, so I'll try to give an answer to myself: noone can be told what to do or what to decide. It's the beauty of being human and also the one thing we are unable to control. Choice as part of experience can be dangerous. Experience however is one of the answers of choice.
This might contradict with what I've said about past and reference, but look at it from this point of view. Reference merely means that you do exactly as told. Experience is more a guide line and leaves you the freedom to choose.
peishan, me too!
trev... it's of great comfort that somebody else has noticed and (struggles?) with the same thing
imemine, something like that.
anonymous, have the grace to leave a moniker?
anonymous-2, i want to think about that quote some more.
bert - thank you
I think Trev gave a really good hint--PLAY.
(Experimenting keeps you in your head. Just PLAY.)
Nice exchange!
And as our friend Ramana said,
"Be as you are!"
LOVE!
Jon, me, play? Nah! But it's true, uncertainty can easily keep me from committing to a course of action. We try...
Dan - you too!
Hey Julie,
Whatever you're feeling is what you're feeling-
Caring... well...I'll get back to you on this.
It's all good.
See the comments on AD for Nov. 30...
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