Maybe I came into existence just a second ago, apparently in the midst of writing, apparently in the midst of a conversation, apparently with a computer on my lap, and music playing nearby, and... well, all this, here, around me.
But it seems familiar, and I seem to remember a past, fuzzy at times, I seem to remember some spots in it that were not like this sharply aching incompletion. If this, right here, right now, which meets the eye, is all... it is not enough. Half-blind, groping in the dark, there is more that I do not see or find.
I close my eyes and feel the vastness of space. Thumb against finger, hand folded in hand, elbow bruising leg, sitting cross-legged and on my foot, familiar closeness of self. I am a grain of sand, I hold a universe within, I am.
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5 comments:
Julie, you are describing awakening, freshly, in this moment. The egoic mind sees the familiar and wonders, "If this is all there is, it is not enough..." and the heart answers, "I am a grain of sand, I hold a universe within, I am." And surely, it is enough. More than enough.
In gratitude,
YES!
To me the first two paragraphs sound different from the third. The third sounds meditative. The first two remind me of when I was in my twenties and sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling, and it was like suddenly my mind was screaming:
"What am I doing here???" Um... not in reference to the particular apartment, which was all right, but with regard to being or existing at all. I really really wanted to know...
As we move between not enough and over- flowing we can rest between the rise and fall, between the gaps knowing we're along for the ride...with eyes open, heart open...
We return and exit again into this sacred space... within and without a boundless realm. We are always welcomed home. We think our journey is countless steps when in actuality we are only dreaming we "aren't in Kansas anymore."
There's no place like home...there's no place like home.
We know this because it seems home is so far away at times.
We need the not knowing just as much as the knowing. Everything works together.
I love this post, Julie- your honesty and voice is refreshing....I learn more and more about myself each time I come here and read your words.
Thank you for reminding me who I really am.
Meredith; this is hard.
Dan, thank you.
Darius, yes... I began writing, my thoughts, realized it wouldn't take me there, stopped.
Isaiah, that was a post in itself, your response. Thank you for "rise and fall" - needed those words. Needed all these. Must it always be rise and fall? Can it be just this? We are always home; we have never left. Is the contrast really necessary? Everything works together. Your thoughts and words are an honor, you are welcome, and thank you.
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