Perhaps I am feeling bitter, or cynical, or worn, or frustrated, or any number of less than bright eyed and bushy tailed ways. (In fact, I know I do, and that it's silly, but apparently don't want to stop, because I haven't.) Bear this in mind. So I'm posting what possibly amounts, more or less, to a temper tantrum.
Trev asked, "What if I widened my circle so wide that anyone's suffering broke my heart that much (or even half that much)?"
It's hard. You end up unable to conclude anything, only able to see a little bit of the complexity and impossibility of things, that life is really anything but black and white.
It's frustrating. Because it seems like there is a lot wrong in the world, but in the end, maybe all that's inside out is you.
It's really hard. Caring is hard. Empathy is hard. Because there's nothing you can actually do, nothing to change, all that's possible is to be there, and most folks hope for more than that - wanting the bandaid, the solution, the fix for the problem. And you're left helpless in the face of every monstrosity.
But the thing is, no matter how fucked up things seem, maybe it's okay just as it is - frustration, difficulty, messes and all. Maybe nothing needs fixing, maybe nothing needs changing.
Then what? All that might be left is a line from Smalltown Poets,
"If you'll let me love you we'll sit here and cry."
It's not the sort of thing I would suggest to anybody, but some of us seem to be incapable of the easy compromise.
Maybe everybody needs somebody to hold them together, or let them fall apart.
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"It's frustrating. Because it seems like there is a lot wrong in the world, but in the end, maybe all that's inside out is you."
It's the same.
If the heart is actually broken open, there's not a question of any circle or your experience vs. that of another, you realize it is one. It's possible to feel as much without that insight, but this is where the mind comes in and tries to fix things with it's ideas. But seeing it as one, it is a matter of being the change. People think getting involved means doing something, but that is actually far less direct than being the change. Of course, that implies allowing a transformation to happen, rather than holding on to a me that does something that is only apparently different than before.
We are what we are.
...but apparently don't want to stop, because I haven't.
For me, the best approach is to pick my battles, deciding when and how to love and fix. Invariably, I find that improving myself seems to help the most, not just for me but for the world I am in.
"But the thing is, no matter how fucked up things seem, maybe it's okay just as it is - frustration, difficulty, messes and all. Maybe nothing needs fixing, maybe nothing needs changing."
Maybe it is all okay- maybe it isn't... Either everything is in divine order, or it's not- and nothing is.
I used to think this is why we are here, to answer such questions. I'm learning the answers aren't as important as the fact that there's the questions to begin with.
But who is asking the question?
I believe, somehow, it all come back to answering, "who is asking the question?"
When it comes back full circle, "who gives the answer?"
Caring is hard, Empathy is hard, because there is nothing you can actually do.
Do something anyway...'for in the final analysis, it is all between you and God. It was never between you and another anyway.'
Tommy's response kind of reminds me of...
THE FOUR GREAT VOWS
• Sentient beings are numberless;
I vow to save them.
• Desires are inexhaustible;
I vow to put an end to them.
• The Dharmas are boundless;
I vow to master them.
• The Buddha Way is unattainable;
I vow to attain it.
Maybe when it's hard, we should stop trying. If it's not done in ease and lightness we're trying to fix or change things that will never be fixed or changed.
Everything is perfect, and yet we can still act... not because we "should" but because we want to... or maybe better yet, just because because.
Anonymous, thank you for your observations.
Jim, Imemine, true.
Mark, thank you... but you see, I'm not sure anything needs fixing.
Isaiah, as always, thank you for your thoughtful encouragement. The questions and the answers and mysteries are so I suppose one might ask, what observes them? I, apparently... whatever that is, and that returns to asking, what is real? because, well... what is engaging enough to really seem that way, to make the observer a part of the scene? Almost nothing.
And I shall do something, anything... when I find that I want to. In the end, that's the only reason anyhow. "I want to" sounds so flat, so selfish, but it is a sloppy shorthand that points to so much more than that, there is the whole of what drives that wanting...
Trev, I don't know why one might care for those four vows, though I do welcome anything more you might say on it. I should say, I dont' know why I might care; I question whether anybody needs saving, and if so in what regard. Whether desire is a bad thing (though the sorts that create dischord might tentatively be described as bad). Whether there is anything that needs to be mastered, or attained, and how does #2 apply to #3 and #4?
Last week I designed my first new construction single family suburban home. There were parts I struggled with, and Peter wisely said that if it's a fight to make something work, I'm probably going in the wrong direction. He, of course, was right, but the option had to be explored to be discarded. Yes, I like your comment about ease and lightness.
Everything is perfect, and yet we can still act... not because we "should" but because we want to... or maybe better yet, just because because.
julie - in the martial arts tradition, we sometimes quietly talk about rooms. For example, someone maybe in the yellow belt room for a long time, or in the room where all the teacher does is have you go down to the creek and bring water back up, or in the room where you spend six years working on movement or respect. Wax on, Wax off rooms.
This room you are in, called resignation perhaps, has value. Rooms like this can sometimes cause us to go deeper and deeper into contemplation, meditation, self examination and more.
Sometimes we go deep into depression or sadness or resignation or even cynicism. In this particular room, at least when I spent time there, I found a door out. For me, that door was represented by an inner realization about what could truly, actually be changed and improved.
Julie-
I've made a huge boo-boo and (perhaps) deleted my old blog. It's a long story, don't ask. At any rate, I would appreciate all of my blogger friends to update their links and - if you want - even make short post on your site about the site change (for any readers that may come from your sites). I may eventually move back to trevdiesel.blogspot.com IF I can get it working again. Until then, it will be: trev-diesel.blogspot.com
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